Sometimes I feel like the Count of Monte Christo or like a prisoner at Alcatraz with no chance of escaping – caught on a lonely island behind bars – just living a life of misery. Not that life hadn't been a misery before, but now, just waiting in this cold uninviting room for the only one who could free someone from here. There was only one way out – in a body bag. The freezing temperatures, the salty cold air and the ice cold stone walls made this place even less inviting.
Watching the waves hitting the rocks, making a loud splash sound every two seconds or so, was the only pleasure I had. But while it was the only entertainment around here, it also could drive someone nuts. People around here tend to see things no one else had seen before. Probably because they are only waiting for death. Sometimes the wind is ice cold. It just feels like death standing right behind you. Breathing in your neck and telling you: „You are next!“. Then you turn around, expecting him to stand there. With his black cape, smiling and pointing at you with long boney fingers. But of course no one is there and you realize it would not be the worst thing that could happen. Secretly you had hoped for him to be there, waiting to take you with him. Because life has nothing to offer on this island. Here everyone is just waiting for death. I think I have seen death a couple of times before – but I always escaped. Now I wish I hadn't because it would have spared me from this place.
I remember exactly how I felt when I was brought here. It must have been years by now. I am not sure. At a place like this time just disappears, days become weeks and weeks seem like years. With big chains tying me down, I stepped from the boat and took the first breath of this toxic air. I had heard people talking about the healthy sea air. Like the women, they were planning a health retreat to the sea, just 5 minutes before they were killed. I didn't want it to happen – they just should have shut up, given me their money and everything would have been fine but they didn't do it. So I had no choice. And then they started begging for their lives. They just should have done what I had told them. Don't get me wrong, I am not a bad person. I never wanted any of this to happen, but sometimes you simply have no choice and I needed that money badly.
Well, but I knew with the first breath: This air was toxic. The smell of freedom mixed with the certainty of death. Walking up the stairs to my cell I felt the cold stone for the first time. I remembered the cold night in January, years ago. It was freezing and I had just wanted a warm place to spent the night. I followed some girl home. Later I learned that her name had been Kelly. She could have just invited me in, when I asked her to. But she didn't – So what choice did I have? First she screamed really loud, than there was silence. I told all of this to her parents in court, when I was asked why she had to die. They didn't understand that it wasn't my fault.
Sometimes you can hear the seagulls scream. I think they can feel that this is a place of death and are afraid of it. You can hear them but they never come close enough to be seen. The only time I saw seagulls was at the beach. It was with a friend of mine. Not really a friend, someone like me doesn't have friends. Just people I know and who I tend to treat kindly. She had no idea what was going on, when suddenly a couple of cops were standing in front of us, demanding to come with them. She had no idea what I had done just a couple of months before. But I managed to escape, sadly she didn't. But that's her fault. She wanted to talk to them, tell them that they must have had the wrong person and that I had never killed someone. Silly girl. I used the time to get away.
When they noticed that I had turned and started to run away, things got bad for her. I however was once more safe. And now she is waiting for me. In heaven, or maybe hell. I don't know where people like me are going. But I am sure she is waiting for me and that she has forgiven me for what I have done to her.
The waves are still rolling. It sounds like a highway. I have been on the highway just a few times. It is actually a funny story. I was still hiding from the police. At some point I had figured out that skipping town every couple of weeks was lowering the risk of getting caught. Of course with my appearance I tend to frighten people. So I decided that it was just easier to hide in peoples cars, traveling with them unnoticed. I didn't care where I was going so I chose the cars randomly. On the, sometimes, long drives I liked to go through peoples stuff and guess who they where. I was really good at this game. But this last time I had chosen a red Toyota, parked at a gas station somewhere in Texas. I had just climbed in the trunk and started to go through the green backpack, when I noticed a name badge. It read „Officer Shannon Pratt“- What meant: I had chosen a police officer’s car. I started looking through my bag and finally found what I was looking for. I held the gun really tight. After a short drive I heard the car stop and heard someone coming closer to the trunk.
I had no choice but to pull the trigger. Later in court they told me the name badge had been a birthday present. Some friends of Shannon had given her the badge for her 16th birthday. How could I have known? It wasn’t really my fault, was it? And so I was charged with several cases and brought here, to this cold and unfriendly island just waiting for death.
I think I can finally see him now, standing on the rocks waiting for me, telling me to come with him!